THE OPENING
[Skit starts with just K on set]
R: Welcome! We're certainly happy to have you here today!
K: Thank you! It's great to be here shooting with.... [She pauses, trying to remember] Slap....Slappy.... Um, what was this operation called again?!
R: [deep sigh] Slapstick Stuff.
K: Oh right! Slapstick Stuff! Sorry about that!
R: That's okay. Most models come in clueless. I won't hold it against you.
K: Whoa whoa! Don't throw me in that pool! I'm not just a pretty face! I'm also a highly educated, incredibly accomplished actress!
R: Oh I know. That's exactly why you were brought in here! To class up the joint.
K: Yep. [looks around] Not sure it's gonna help, but….
R: [ignoring her] Anyway. There's almost always some confusion when it comes to slapstick comedy.
K: Hmm, I guess you could be right. I am a bit confused. Please enlighten me!
R: Great. Well, let's take The Electric Company, for example.
K: You mean the one I have to pay for utilities? Believe me, if you saw my bill you wouldn't be laughing.
R: [sighs] Okay, how about Laurel & Hardy...
K: Wait! Is that the sleazy law firm I always see ads for?
R: [sighs] Hmm, how about You Can't Do That On Television...
K: You Can't Do WHAT On Television? [back and forth similar to the "Who's on First" skit]
R: No. You Can't Do THAT On Television.
K: Can't Do WHAT On Television?!
R: No! Here....look at me.... [slowly] You Can't Do That On Television!
K: So tell me! What can't I do on television?!?!?! This slapstick stuff is a lot harder than I thought.
R: [frustrated] FINE. Let's just cut to the chase... [hands K a pie] Here... What do you think will happen to this?
[K shrugs her shoulders and just starts posing with it. R then takes it back.]
R: Yep....as expected....that's the typical response I get from you models!
K: But I was doing so well! Gimme that back!!
R: Aha. I'm glad you said that. This will provide a great learning experience for you.
K: Whatever. Just gimme back my pie!! [She holds her hand out, only to get pied by R]
K: What the......?? That's not what I meant!!
R: Ah, you'll soon learn that if we have any excuse to hit you with a pie... [R pies K] We will.
R: Some will be obvious. Others a bit more clever and surprising…
K: Hang on… I'm stuck here getting creamed with pies all day?? [K gets pied again]
R: Obviously.
K: Oh boy. Okay. This girl needs a shot of something strong, pronto. Preferably Scotch. You got anything good around here? [K gets pied with a "butterscotch" cream pie.]
K: [tastes it, then sarcastically] Butter-SCOTCH. Oh how clever. I guess that's what you would call "Top Shelf?"
R: [laughs] Now you're getting the hang of this!
K: Yeah, thanks. Soooo... What can I do to AVOID getting pied?!?!
R: Well, that would defeat the purpose! SOMEBODY'S gotta get pied. And I don't see anyone else around.
K: Whoa..whoa! Wait a sec... You're not gonna hit me with ALL of those pies, are you?!?! [K gets pied]
R: You didn't see a "Bake Sale" sign out front, did you?
K: Nope. Just "Beware Of Dog." A dog that, I might add, could fit in my purse. [pause] But seriously, I guess this breed makes for the best "Seeing Pie'" dog, right? RIGHT? [As she "over-sells" the joke, she gets pied again.]
R: Hey now! Leave the joke writing
to me!
K: Sorry. So, is there some sort of way I can get cleaned off here? Or do I
leave that to you as well?
R: Yep! But don't worry, I gotcha covered.
K: And just how do you have me "covered"?
[K gets a bucket of water thrown on her and nods] Yep. That seems to be in line
with what's been going on here.
R: Cleaned off!! Just like you asked!
K: Yeah, thanks buddy. Now I imagine I'm gonna get more pies smashed in my face?
R: Smashed? Well... Not necessarily.
K: Whew! Thank goodness.
R: We also throw them. [K gets a
thrown pie]
K: [sarcastically] Oh excellent. That is SO good to know. Hey, how about this
for a change of pace? Why don't I throw a pie at YOU?!!
R: I suppose that's fair!
K: Wait...REALLY?!
R: Sure, why not? I'll even provide you with this gooey chocolate pie!
K: Oh sounds like fun! Let me have it!! [R hits K with a chocolate pie]
R: Sorry. You kinda set yourself up for that one.
K: I'm starting to understand now. I think I shouldn't have said, "Let
me have it."
R: Shouldn't have said what again?
K: Let me have it! Let me have it!!! [K gets pied again with a crust pie as
she stumbles back and really sells being agitated.] Unbelievable.
R: Alright, fine. I guess I owe you this much. Here you go!! [R hands K a pie]
K: Thank you! I finally get my revenge!!
R: Actually… Here's the thing. You're gonna hit yourself with that pie.
K: Huh? Now WHY would I do that?!?!?
R: Well, I figured it was that time... since you're doing so well and all.
K: [warms up to the compliment] Really? I'm doing well??
R: Absolutely! You are taking these pies like a champion!
K: Well, I suppose a champion wouldn't turn away in the face of adversity!!
[K looks at the pie like she's preparing herself, then slams it into her face.]
And THAT'S how it's done!!
R: Well.... Not exactly. We're gonna need to see that again.
K: Say what??
R: You've been on movie sets before,
right? We need coverage for Camera 2.
K: [Goes back to being a bit agitated] Argh! Fine! [She hits herself with another
pie.] Are you happy now?!
R: Yes, definitely. I think we got it with that last one!
K: Great! A nice culmination of my introduction to Slapstick!!
R: Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves! That wasn't quite the culmination.
K: Seriously? I've been pied, watered, and pied some more! I don't know what
else I can possibly do!!! [K gets slimed]
R: Yep, once again... You can't do THAT on television!
K: And I still don't know what the hell- [K gets slimed again] You're talking
about.
K: You know, you should really send your models a handbook before the shoot.
R: Hmmm… A handbook?
K: Sure. Might be less confusing. I mean, I get pied for this... [K gets pied] I get creamed for that... [K gets pied again] I just can't seem to figure anything out!
R: Oh, don't worry about it. You'll definitely learn the ropes once you've done three more skits.
K: [shocked] Three more skits?? What
have I gotten myself… [gets pied] Into….
EDUCATIONAL SLAPSTICK
(K is wearing something skimpy on set looking over the script)
R: Aha, glad to see you're all ready to go for the second skit!
K: Oh yeah. I hope you don't mind that I made a few changes to the script though! I really wasn't feeling what you had in mind. (She hands R his script)
R: (a bit skeptical) Hmm… I just hope your ideas go over as well as mine did.
K: (showcasing herself with her hands) Um... Hello!
R: Oh yeah, right. I suppose anything will work in THAT outfit.
K: Exactly.
R: And I HAVE been wanting to get more involvement on the creative side from the models. Let's see whatcha got.
K: Great! Check this out! [to camera
with a big smile] Hello everybody, and welcome to Slapstick Stuff! Where reading
is fun!!!
K: Today we're going to be learning about the letters "I" and "E".
[As she talks, she gestures with her hands at waist level as the letters appear.]
Sometimes they sound like "EEE," as in "retrieve"... [She
gestures to her right.] And sometimes they sound like "EYE" as in
"tie." [To her left]
K: (right to left) "Retrieve my tie." [She repeats this as loud boos
are heard.]
K: Hey, wait! C'mon! Oh, and don't forget..."I before E except after C!!"
[More boos]
K: Come on! What was wrong with that?
R: Well, for starters, you didn't
actually RETRIEVE your TIE. As you're clearly not wearing a tie.
K: That's why I was going to retrieve it!!
R: Touché. But it still makes for a very inaccurate lesson plan. Maybe
try something else?
K: No problem. [She again gestures right to left.] "Achieve... to… Vie." [She repeats this and again boos are heard. She throws up her hands in frustration.]
R: "Achieve to vie?" Does
ANYONE actually talk like that?
K: Hey, just because I hold this audience to a higher standard…
R: Honestly, I just think you're trying to avoid the perfectly good example
I already came up with… In the script!
K: But....but... [deflated] Fine! [She grudgingly gestures the words.] "Piece... Of… Pie." Happy now?!
R: Yep, but NOW I think we need that
visual reinforcement! [R hands K two pies.]
K: Oh no, really… I don't think these will be necessary.
R: Oh really… I think they ARE necessary! And your next line is....??
K: Do I have to????
R: Sorry Missy, we're sticking to the original script!
K: [sighs] So stay tuned to watch someone get creamed with a Piece... Of… Pie. [She flinches, expecting to get hit, but nothing happens. As she discovers this, she is overwhelmed with joy.]
K: WHEW!! There's only one way to described this.... Relieved!! (She looks down as the "relieved" graphic appears beneath her.)
K: Relieved....No.... Pies..... Relieved!! There's no pies!!! (K gets pied)
K: Noooo!! I said no pies....NO PIES! (K gets pied again)
K: Oh why did I Believe... That... Lie! (Graphic appears below her as she gets pied again)
R: Now THIS is turning out to be
the most educational Slapstick Stuff skit yet!!
K: Now hang on! What about the accuracy of YOUR lesson plan?
R: I'm not following you.
K: PIECE of pie? Really? Just a PIECE
of pie? I'm pretty sure I'm getting the whole darn pie!
R: Huh? You're getting WHAT again?
K: The WHOLE pie!! I'm getting the WHOLE pie! [Another pie]
R: Yeah, well, there's accurate… And then there's "accurate enough."
[pause] Like my aim.
K: All I wanted was a Reprieve....From.... Pies…. [Another graphic as she
gets pied again]
R: Wow. You can't make this stuff up.
K: Yeah, but you CAN quit. [She tries to stomp off the set, but R grabs her and pulls her back, taking back the pies in the process.]
R: Hey now, what about the lesson?
You were doing so well!
K: [wiping herself] Oh yeah? You want a graphic for this?? How about ANGRY?
[She crosses her arms as the graphic appears below her, then R hits her with
another pie.]
K: Arrrrghhh! ANGRIER!! [She looks down blindly but the graphic does not appear.]
I said ANGRIER!! [She looks down again, but still no graphic. Now she looks
around, confused.]
R: Actually, I think the proper usage there is "more angry." Not "angrier."
Maybe try again?
K: [now really angry] FINE!! How
about… Messy! [K holds out her arms as R hands her a pie, then she hits
herself with it as the graphic appears below her.] See?? Messy! [She gestures
beneath her.]
R: Annnnd??? [He hands K another pie.]
K: Yeah..yeah...Messier!! [She hits herself with another pie.] See? Messier!
R: Now THAT was much better!! But don't forget the last part!
K: The last part? But I don't know what you're talking about… [gets slimed]
K: Oh right....Messiest.
R: Beautiful… and we can't forget the seltzer…. [K gets sprayed with seltzer.]
K: [sarcastic] Well, thank you SO
much for going along with ALL my script changes.
R: No problem! I think it worked out pretty well after all. I guess all that's
left is this last stage direction: "Model does song-and-dance routine while
demonstrating the word "clumsy."
K: Oh no… You can just FORGET that one buddy.
R: No worries… I think I've a backup bit here. [reads] "Model sits
on a stool and performs the 'Three Whipped Cream Pies On The Wall' song over
and over until director is satisfied."
K: [sighs] Okay, let's do the song-and-dance routine.
R: I thought you'd see it my way….
[Actually, we did "Pies On The
Wall" instead in the actual scene!]
[Afterwards, for the grand finale, the word "CLUMSY" appears below
as she stumbles across the set and "trips" into a bowl of pink slime
held by RICH. Alternately (or additionally), she hold the bowl above her head
as though it is very heavy, moving back and forth before finally upending it
onto her head and face. She looks at the camera and sighs before delivering
the final line.]
K: Clumsy.
EL CAPITAN VS. KANDY KANE
[Skit starts with K outdoors creeping around the outer walls of a suspected
Mexican "drug house." She is dressed in a bikini and also has her
gun drawn. Various shots of her creeping around, pointing her gun, etc. We fade
to her against a wall, speaking towards her chest as if talking to a "wire"
in her bikini top.]
K: This is it Chief! I saw inside... This must the place!! [She puts her hand to her ear as if to listen to the chief's response.]
C: Are you sure Kandy?! We MUST be 100% certain!
K: Oh I'm definitely sure, Chief! "Cocaine Carlos" and his entire group of henchmen are here! I'm taking them ALL down!! [She puts her hand back to her ear.]
C: NO Kandy!! You have no backup!! Just see if you can safely gather some evidence so we can build a case against this dirt bag!
K: Sure thing chief! (K sneaks around the corner. CUT TO: New shot of her coming up to a rack of pies sitting outside against the wall. K looks closely at the pies, smells one, and dips her finger in another. She tastes it and suddenly acts surprised.]
K: Chief!!! You're not going to believe this! I've found out how Cocaine Carlos and his crew have been transporting the drugs!!
C: How Kandy?! We've been stumped for years!!
K: Cream pies Chief!! He's been putting the cocaine in the pies and shipping them across the border!
C: Dammit! He's a genius! That stuff
blends right in. Like powdered sugar!
K: And to think... All this time he's been transporting it right under our noses!
C: Right under our noses? This is no time for bad puns Kandy! Listen to me, it is imperative that you confiscate those pies and get the hell outta there immediately!
K: Sure thing Chief! [She puts her
gun down and grabs two pies off of the rack. Suddenly gunshots can be heard.
Now Kandy looks confused and panicked for a few seconds. As she bends down to
retrieve her gun, a Mexican police chief catches K red handed… And of course,
he assumes Kandy is not US agent, but a scantily clad mistress of "Cocaine
Carlos" fleeing the scene with the drug filled pies.]
EC: [in a bad Spanish accent] Freeze right there! Your cartel boyfriend forgot
to pay his "hush hush" fund for the month, so no more looking the
other way! We're looking THEEES way now!
K: No, wait, you've got it all wrong! I'm a US agent! I'm here to bust this
operation too!
EC: In THAT outfit? Haha… Nice try mamasita! Although you definitely put
the "bust" in drug bust!
K: No wait....I'm telling you... You gotta believe me....
EC: And I'm telling you... Put those pies down nice and slowly!! [K puts the
two pies back on the rack as EC drags her away. As he does, she frantically
calls to the Chief on her wire.]
K: Chief...Chief...CHIEF!!??? They're taking me away!! HELP!
[CUT TO: KANDY in front of a "prison
wall" backdrop with her hands "tied" behind her back and blindfolded.]
K: Would you PLEASE just hear me out? I'm telling you... I'm an undercover US
agent who's trying to bring down the cartel!
EC: Under COVER??? More like under-WEAR! Right, amigos? [Stereotypical Mexican
laughter]
K: Yeah yeah, I'm in my underwear, haha. But you've got to believe me! I lost
the wire I was wearing when you took me into custody!!
EC: Oh sure Mamasita... That's what ALL the drug lord mistresses say.
K: I am NOT the mistress of Cocaine Carlos!!
EC: Oh yeah? Looks like you're smuggling a peacock RIGHT NOW!
K: [looks down, confused, then realizes] You idiot! That's a swallow. [pause] No pun intended!!
EC: Says you, Missus Drug Lord Mistress.
K: I am NOT a drug lord mistress.
You have to belie- [EC gags her in mid-sentence.]
EC: SILENCIO!!! (K starts MMPPHing emphatically.) You crazy American girls never
learn, do you? (K continues to "MMPH.") Now you will pay for your
crime....with your life!! [K starts jumping up and down and getting more agitated.]
For your crime of aiding and abetting a known drug trafficking cartel, you have
been sentenced to death by a barrage of… Poisonous cream pies!
K: MMMPH!!!! [Almost without thinking, she begins to start running around the set. She can sell this by spinning around, running in place, and really "squirming" like she's trying to break free.]
EC: Oh, now come on… Is this really necessary? We can't execute you if you're moving around like that…. Amigos? A little help here? Anyone? FINE. [EC finally grabs her and walks her back to the center, and re-positions her for the "firing squad."
EC: Now then. Ready... Aim.... [K "MMPHS" super loudly just as EC is about to yell "FIRE."]
EC: Oh come on, what is it THEEES time?? [He pulls K's gag off.]
K: This isn't fair! I demand to speak to my lawyer!
EC: Hahahaha... You Americans and your "due process." I can see Carlos didn't teach his mistress about the way things REALLY work down here! Now where was I? Oh yeah… READY....AIM.....
K: WAIT!! Stop the execution...stop the execution!!!
EC: What is it THEES time?!
K: What's with the poisonous cream pies?!?!?
EC: Oh, I'm glad you asked! Look and learn! [He pulls her blindfold off.] Down here in Mexico, we call this an "ironic punishment." You poisoned all those innocent people with your pies, and now we're going to execute you with OUR pies! Pretty clever, right?
K: Actually, that's not technically irony. Now, if the cocaine in the pies was used to-
EC: Enough!! Amigos!! READY.... AIM.... PIE HER!!! (K squirms as… Nothing happens. EC looks confused.) What the… I said PIE HER! (Nothing happens. EC looks down at his watch and sighs.) Oh, that's right. 3:00. Siesta time. (shakes his head) This damn firing squad union.
K: [super excited] So that's it? No execution?? [looks at EC and laughs] Haha, I guess there won't be any "poisonous pies" coming my way today!
EC: Oh no, you're still getting pied. I'm just gonna have to do it myself. [He walks OC as K gets agitated all over again.] READY... AIM... PIE HER!
K: NOOO!!! [EC throws the pie from OC and hits her.] Wait, wait! [Another pie] Stop the execution!! [Another pie]
EC: [walking back on] By now you should be feeling dizzy. Your internal organs are in the process of shutting down… Don't worry, soon it will all be over…
K: (suddenly calm) Um no, not exactly. I feel fine. Just a little sticky.
EC: (confused] Huh? What the... (He samples another pie.) DAMMIT!! They forgot to poison the pies!! Now all we have is a slightly messy felon!
K: HAHA! You and your "execution." And you call yourself a corrupt police chief!! Your country is nothing but a smelly version of… Florida!! [EC gets angry and hits K with his pie]
K: Oh yeah? We Americans come here in droves for spring break! We drink your tequila, we stay at your dirty, overpriced hotels, and THIS is how you treat us?!?! (EC hits her with another pie)
EC: SILENCIO!!!
K: Wait… If these pies aren't poisoned, what's the point of hitting me
with more of them?
EC: Cocaine Carlos and his crew have embarrassed me for too long! Now, I must
return the favor!! (Another pie)
K: Oh yeah?? You think you're soooo funny, don't you??
EC: Funny? You want funny? I'll show you funny!! (EC breaks into his own spoof
of the famous Dos Equis commercial) I don't always throw pies, but when I do...I
prefer them in threes!! (EC throws three pies in succession)
K: Yeah yeah. Very clever.
EC: Oh wait, I'm not finished.....Stay messy my friends! Stay messy! (EC dumps
the white slime over K)
K: You about done yet?
EC: Oh, I'm just getting start-[Gunshots
are heard.] Oh no! They've found us! Here, sit tight. [He grabs a stool and
puts K on it as he runs OC. K looks around, completely confused.]
K: Hang on, what's going on? And why am I sitting? And where did this stool
come from?.... [As the two OC voices go back and forth, K looks to the left,
then right, then left, etc.]
CARLOS: [OC] El Capitan! You reneged
on our agreement. Now prepare to die!
EC: [OC] Cocaine Carlos! We have your mistress! Surrender, or prepare to die!
CC: El Capitan! I have plenty of mistresses, but not enough cocaine. Now prepare
to die!
EC: Cocaine Carlos! You murdered my father! Now prepare to die!
CC: El Capitan! I'm warning you… We're packing poisonous slime!
EC: So are we, Cocaine Carlos. So are we!
K: Poisonous slime?? Oh no….
[The sound of a massive gunfight is heard as slime is tossed on K from the left, then the right. Each time it hits her, she throws her legs up and falls back against the wall for support, as if "shot." Eventually the gunfire ceases and a slime-splattered EC walks back on set.]
EC: So… I guess you figured
out the slime wasn't poisoned either.
K: Yep. I figured that one out.
EC: It's these stupid unions, I tell ya. They're killing me here.
K: Yep. Stupid unions.
EC: I suppose you want me to untie you.
K: Yeah. That would be nice.
EC: Okay. [pause] Maybe a pie for the road?
K: Why not? [A pie flies from OC and hits her.] Of course.
THE BUCKET IS ALWAYS FULL
[Skit starts with K in a bikini,
relaxing in a lounge chair outside with a glass of "wine."]
R: Okay! Everything's all ready to go inside for the last skit!
K: [nonchalant] Oh that's great....Maybe we'll get another one in. Maybe we won't.
R: What do you mean "maybe we won't?" We have a half hour of time to work with!
K: [reaches underneath her chair and grabs her "contract" and hands it to Rich] Um, remember this?!?
R: [scans it and reads portions aloud] "Model will be granted 30 minutes of relief time within her scheduled hours..."
K: Yep, and I do believe I've got about 20 minutes left! This skin is not going to tan itself you know!
R: [sighs and continues through the contract] "Model will be provided with a premium wine selection... Preferably a 1987 Merlot or later??"
K: Yeah. I'll let you slide on that one. I rummaged through your fridge and this was all I could find!
R: Hey! What if I was saving that for a special occasion!
K: [sarcastically] Oh sure! What did this run you...$3.99? $4.99? Who knew they made wine in plastic jugs?!
R: [sighs] Okay, look. Are we going inside to do this last skit or not?!?
K: Hmmmm… Yeah, unfortunately, I just don't think we're gonna have enough time!
R: Seriously?!
K: Hey now, why would you even want to spend this nice day INSIDE?!?
R: Hmm. I suppose you do have a point.
K: See, there ya go! A skit lost inside, but a beautiful day gained outside! The glass is always half full!
R: Yeah, I'd say I'm more of a "bucket is always full" kinda guy though.
K: [laughs] Rich, the expression is either a "glass half full" or "glass half empty" kind of person!
R: No, I'd say "the bucket is always full" would be the most accurate description around here.
K: Who's ever heard of that before? I just don't know how you come up with stuff like this! [K gets slimed]
R: Well, I'd say that bucket sure was full, don't ya think?!?
K: [nods] Yeah. I get it. [frustrated] Should've known!
R: Yep, you ARE still on the clock you know.
K: Of course. I don't know what I
was thinking. [K gets slimed again]
K: Aargghh! I see how this is gonna play out! And you know what that means…
[A slime covered K chugs the rest of the "wine" in her glass.]
R: Whoa...slow down there party animal! You've got to drive home after this!
K: Hey now! I'm no lightweight! I can handle myself! MORE wine please!! [K extends
her empty glass toward Rich]
R: Oh no! I think you've had enough!
K: Oh come on! Just one more glass! I don't know how I'm going to get through
the rest of this skit without it! [She extends her glass as she's talking, only
to get slimed once more]
K: You know, I'm wondering if I would've been better off inside getting creamed
with pies instead! [K gets pied]
R: Nah. We can do that out here as well. Like you said earlier, why pie inside…[R
pies K] When we can pie outside on this beautiful day!?
K: I don't believe that was how I phrased it before.
R: Nope. That's what you said.
K: I'm pretty sure my earlier statement
made NO mention of- [gets pied again] Pies!!
K: Arrgh! I was HOPING to relax out here and get some sun, wearing a cute bikini
and a little sun tan lotion. NOT green slime and cream pie! [K gets pied again]
R: Well, look on the bright side. These pies...[R pies K again] Have got to
be at least SPF30! Glass is always half full... Remember?
K: Very funny. Look, can I just get cleaned up here and enjoy these last few
minutes outside?
R: I suppose that's fair.
K: THANK YOU! Now can you throw me a to- [K gets cut off with a thrown pie]
K: Excuse me. That's throw me a tow- [K gets cut off with another thrown pie]
K: A TOWEL!! Can you just throw me a towel and give me a little water?!?!
R: Water?! Oh sure!! [K gets a big bucket of water dumped on her]
K: Thanks, I guess. Can I just get one more glass of wine now and enjoy this
nice day for a few minutes? [looking at herself] If I can…
R: Yeah, I suppose so. I guess we owe you that much. Hey, you know what goes
well with wine?
K: Oh wait... It's not cream pie is it??
R: No, silly, you should know this! Take another guess!
K: Well, if it's not pies or slime… I don't know what else it could be…
[K gets yellow "cheese" slimed.]
K: Oh right. CHEESE. As in, "wine and cheese." How could I forget?
[wipes herself] Well, so much for that outdoor break of mine.
R: Hey, no worries! It worked out well. We got an excellent last skit and we
didn't even make you get out of that lounge chair! Now how easy was that?
K: [sarcastically] I suppose it was as easy as... Wait for it... Wait for it....
PIE! [K laughs only to get hit with more pies to end the skit.]