PROPER PIE TECHNIQUE

[MODEL is dressed in normal clothes and talking to PRODUCER.]

PRODUCER: Hey Toshia, thanks for finally making a return appearance to SlapstickStuff. I know your fans really appreciate this!

MODEL: Uh huh, sure, whatever. Cash up front please, like we agreed.

P: Right right…. [fumbles in pocket] How about a cashier's check?

M: [sighs] Just wire it to my Cayman Islands account.

P: Of course. So I couldn't help but notice that you didn't get a lot of pies in your last video. At least not compared to the typical SlapstickStuff shoot.

M: [conceited] I can't help it if the pies don't want to stick to my pretty face! In fact…. [takes pie] I really don't see the point of throwing pies at all! Why would you want to waste something this tasty? [samples pie] Mmmm… Banana cream!

P: OK, I'll let you in on a company secret… It's an easy way of doing comedy. Not all of us have a writing staff like "Scrubs" or "The Office." Not all of us can be Jerry Seinfeld or Jon Stewart….

M: Or Charlie Sheen! That guy is HILARIOUS!

P: Riiiight….. But my point is, some things are just inherently funny, no matter WHO the person is. Like a pie in the face, or a guy getting nailed with a football in the crotch!

M: Okay, see, that's your problem! A football in the crotch is NOT funny! Falling flat on my butt is NOT funny! And smashing a pie into my face is definitely not…. [gets pied] Funny.

M: [looks at PRODUCER] I thought you were gonna hit me with my own pie.

P: No, that would've been too…. [takes her pie and nails her] Obvious.

M: Right, we wouldn't want to be too obvious, would we? Like saying, "Hit me with a pie." [gets pied] Or, "Give me a pie." [gets pied] Or, "Boy, I sure could use a sandwich." [gets pie sandwiched]

P: Yep, all classics! But you forgot about the "Sock it to me" line.

M: Sock it to ME?? [gets water thrown on her] Thanks. All clean now.

P: It's really about proper pie technique. That's the difference between some low-budget crappy video and a work of slapstick art.

M: There's a difference??

P: It's subtle. Look, take me for instance! I mean, even I had to work on getting my aim down.

M: How's that going for you? [gets a thrown pie from off camera]

P: Much better now, thanks! But practice makes perfect. [hits MODEL again]

M: Riiiight…. I don't think I need any more practice.

P: Actually, I was reviewing your earlier shoot. You could use some work on your self-pie technique. [hands her a pie]

M: Really?? [looks down at pie] Well, I DO want to get better. [pies herself] How was that?

P: Not bad, but practice makes perfect.

M: Fine. [pies herself again] How do I get this off? [She shakes her head in an effort to remove the crust.]

P: See, you still need more practice.

M: Thanks. Thanks a lot. [pies herself again] What I REALLY need is that water. [gets watered]

P: All you have to do is ask.

M: Can I ask for no more pies then?

P: If you want, but I don't think the alternative is any better.

M: Well, I don't know how it could be…. [gets slimed] Worse.

P: See what I mean?

M: Very clever. Well guess what, Mr. Producer, I HAVE learned something from your stupid shoots. I've figured out your funny little "catch phrases"… so, if you'll excuse me, I will clean myself off and end this nonsense. [composes herself and looks up] Ahem. WATER. [gets slimed again]

M: That was NOT fair.

P: Sorry Toshia! That was our last bucket of slime, so I had to get rid of it. I hope you don't mind.

M: Wait a minute! [clears herself] No more slime?

P: You got it.

M: [laughs] So nothing's gonna happen when I say, "I don't know"?? [She looks around. Nothing happens.] Yes! I don't know! I don't know! [gets chocolate poured on her] Aaaahhh! What was THAT?

P: Oh, we had some used motor oil lying around. But don't worry, it's only bad for the skin if you leave it on longer than a minute.

M: WHAT? Quick! Get it off! Water! Water! [gets watered]

P: I told you the alternative was worse.

M: You're right. I can't believe I'm missing the pies. [gets pied] Nope. Can't believe it. [gets pied]

M: [sighs] Well, if you can't beat 'em…. [pies herself] Join 'em.