THE TENNIS INTERVIEW with MARIA SHARAPOVA [Special thanks to Cramer for contributing the genesis of this skit!]
[Maria Sharapova comes to her post match interview, clearly the victor. She is dressed in a tennis outfit and visor as she makes a statement to the media. She absent-mindedly swings a racket and starts to answer questions from reporters.]
Reporter: We're standing here talking with Maria Sharapova, the Russian tennis phenom who stunned the world with her victory in last year's U.S. Open. And I must say, Maria, it looks like history is repeating itself. I mean, you haven't lost a set yet.
Maria: I'm not surprised. We Russians are machines. I'll take out the entire field and look good doing it.
Reporter: So you're saying you're hot?
Maria: Darling, I'm a six foot blond Russian with 5% body fat. I'm gorgeous.
Reporter: Still miffed about the Anna Kournikova comparisons, huh?
Maria: [huffing] Anna is a TROLL. And her backhand is weak. She should run off with that Enrique Iglesias and start making babies. Leave tennis to REAL women.
Reporter: Maria Williams? Lindsey Davenport?
Maria: No competition. The game has passed them by. I'm the future of tennis now.
Reporter: So you don't foresee anyone beating you at this tournament?
Maria: (Laughing) Beating me? I could win this tournament with one hand tied behind my back.
Reporter: One hand tied behind your back, huh?
Maria: Most definitely.
Reporter: How about blindfolded?
Maria: A blindfold's not stopping me.
Reporter: Really. [pulls out Adidas headband and "blindfolds" her]
Maria: OK, I might lose a set now. But only one.
Reporter: What is you were blindfolded with one hand tied behind your back AND a toddler duct-taped to your back?
Maria: How old's the toddler?
Reporter: Three.
Maria: Boy or girl?
Reporter: Boy.
Maria: What's his name?
Reporter: Petey.
Maria: I'd still win.
Reporter: What if his name was Mikey?
Maria: That'd be much tougher, but I'd pull through. Now if you'll excuse me… [removes headband and prepares to leave]
Reporter: One more question, Maria! What if you got a pie in the face?
Maria: Why would I get a pie in the face?
Reporter: Why would you have a toddler named Mikey taped to your back?
Maria: If someone hit me with a pie, I'd still win the tournament. [Maria gets hit with a pie in the face.]
Maria: Yup, I'll still dominate.
Reporter: What if you got two pies in the face? [Maria gets another pie in the face.]
Maria: Still unstoppable.
Reporter: Dare I say three pies in the face? [Another pie.]
Maria: We Russians are machines. This is a mere diversion.
Reporter: OK, how about with three pies in the face and covered in green slime. [Maria is doused with green slime.]
Maria: Still a machine. A slime-covered machine.
Reporter: Fine, what if you took two more pies after that? [Maria gets pied twice.]
Maria: Now that might affect my backhand a bit, but not enough to lose.
Reporter: How about if you took four
more pies in the face, got slimed again,
and then took another pie in the face? [All that stuff happens.]
Maria: Do I still have the kid taped to my back?
Reporter: No.
Maria: Then no contest. I still win.
Reporter: Ok. What if you were playing a super advanced android from the future?
Maria: Does it throw another pie in my face? [Maria gets another pie in the face.]
Reporter: Yes.
Maria: What's the android's name?
Reporter: Mikey.
Maria: Oooh. I don't know. I'd rather get slimed again.
Reporter: I think we can manage that. [Maria gets slimed.]
Reporter: SO... If a super advanced android from the future named Mikey were to smash a pie in your face before the next match, there's a chance you might lose?
Maria: Well, this has been fun… but I think I really need that shower now.
Reporter: Don't duck the question, Maria.
Maria: OK. Under those circumstances.... perhaps I wouldn't be able to pull off a victory.
Reporter: Well it seems you'd better smash the rest of these pies in your face before Mikey has a chance to travel into the past and ruin your shot at a championship.
Maria: Good idea. [Maria takes a few more pies and smashes them in her own face.]
Maria: Completely unstoppable. Like a machine. [She smashes the last pie.]
Maria: A machine!